The Round-Up September 2014

- Double Denim

(above: A typically well attended Serie A game in which
the overzealous Carabinieri rival the fans in numbers)

It's undeniable; Italian football was more entertaining in the 1990's - by which I mean it was enjoyable in the 90s. The stadia had a splattering of fans (upwards of 10 for a derby game), the world's premier players were flocking to the league's cash rich clubs and the likes of Juventus and the two Milan giants were perennial contenders on the European stage. 

If that wasn't enough, James Richardson hosted a suarve cafe based show for Channel 4 called "Football Italia" which focused primarily on Roberto Baggio or the latest misdemeanor by one of the Brits abroad (Gascoigne, Platt, Ince et al). Not only was the show effortlessly cool, it also spawned the undisputed king of intros - complete with playground phenomena "Golaccio!"... which everyone assumed was "Goooooooooooal Lazio". Hey ho.

None of the aforementioned moderately 'interesting' things about Serie A are ever likely to make a return - insert sad-face emoticon - but that hasn't stopped a teary and nostalgic Napoli trying their best to do a Cher ("Turn Back Time"). I mean, what's more 90's than wearing blue denim on the bottom half - and wait for it - blue denim on the top half as well? ...[Apart from Liam Gallagher's hair do] absolutely nothing! Well, behold this symphony of double denim...

It's like Britney and Justin, Robbie Williams, Jean-Claude Van Damme and a neo-post-Neighbours Kylie all rolling into one! And who wouldn't want that!? (everybody aside). 

In a further ode to bygone days the city of Naples has made itself home to 1000's of battered up Fiat Cinquecento's, organised crime (Camorra) and Rafael Benitez - the latter is unforgivable.  

- Manchester United Goal of the Month

Ignoring the fact that a yard is an imperial measurement of length as opposed to unit of speed, Wayne Rooney has lost a yard of pace - having started with approximately a yard of a pace - and faced hefty criticism from some quarters as a result. 

But the rum Liverpudlian has had the last laugh - and not because he's watched Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups again. No, Manchester United's number 10 collected the club's highly coveted goal of the month award for an eminently stoppable non-aerial overhead kick from within the 6 yard box against Swansea (see picture below). This forgettable strike pipped Mata's tap-in at the Stadium of Light in what turned out to be a close two-horse race... two-horse because the Red Devils only mustered two goals in total. 

Nonetheless, congratulations Wayne you've really shown them! (Though for the record, Mata's goal was more impressive and you have subsequently been sent off).  

(Above: manutd.com reporting Rooney's inevitable "accolade")

- Life After Football

At this time of year there's always reports of recently retired players "missing the game" - some even get so fidgety they retire from retirement in order to sign up with Solva AFC in Pembrokeshire League Division Two (Simon Davies) or Market Drayton Town in Northern Premier League Division One South (Pascal Chimbonda 2013).

I've heard many a former player discuss the difficulty in adapting to life 'outside the dressing-room', as if they've been institutionalised. They talk of the changing-room tomfoolery ('da bants') and become misty-eyed as they recite the first time the 'Archbishop of Banterbury' or the 'Bantersaurus Rex' defecated in their kit bag. Smiles spread across their faces as - with the comic timing of a dyslexic Chubby Brown impersonator -  they weave an anecdote about how the club captain used to have a pop at the trainee players' mothers [knowing sigh].

After such obvious hilarity how can you expect a wealthy father deep into his 30s and married to a beauty therapist to settle back into 'normal' society. It's the equivalent of going cold-turkey after 20 years chasing the dragon! 

I propose therefore that wives need to be the proverbial Methadone... slowly coaxing their partners off the 'Banter-bus'.

Perhaps during the Community Shield weekend the respective WAG could let off some fireworks in the en-suite at 3am or shave a Millwall badge into the dog (that's not a euphemism)..? Just to ease the player's anxiety and make him feel like 'one of the boys' again. Then as time progresses and heals, the given player may be able to cope with a small daily wee on his Sugar Puffs or even just having his Ferrari ruined by air-rifle pellets. Then when he's ready, he may go free into the world and do something meaningful with his 50 years of retirement and limitless wealth.

Who knows, perhaps the former player concerned won't feel such an overwhelming urge to butcher the English language on my overpriced satellite subscription or open another football themed public house!?

God-speed WAGS everywhere!

- Ian Wronged, Wronged, Wronged

Whilst Ian Wright was earning megabucks sunning himself on Copacabana beach for ITV, some rapscallion was ransacking his home in London! A truly sickening act of a collaboration of cowards and degenerates ( http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/ian-wright-burgled-knifewielding-robbers-stole-pundits-mbe-9551089.html ).

Sadly, not only did these individuals cause great distress to Wright and his family they also stole a number of Wright's prized possessions; including his MBE! 

The former Arsenal man has since vowed not to let the perpetrators "get away with it".

In true police style, a spokesperson from Scotland Yard followed up with, "This whole affair is an absolute mystery... how did Ian Wright get awarded an MBE?"  

 - Dave Hockaday Football Manager

("The manager you say!?")

This summer saw the - lets say - "surprising" appointment of former Cirencester Town right-back and Forest Green Rovers boss, David Hockaday, as Leeds United manager on a 2-year deal. Given the enormity of the job at Leeds and the relative stature of the new man in comparison, I feel it would be fascinating to keep abreast of his progress. As a result, I intend to make this a regular segment on ITHGI. 

Hockaday has been sacked.

Much to the surprise of literally no one, Hockaday was sacked by the 'fit and proper' owner of Leeds United on 28 August after a whopping 4 league games in charge - clearly ample time to prove himself.

Here ends this regular feature. 

(*discussions are underway about creating a similar column for Alan Irvine or Billy McKinlay)

@BobbyCowsill
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It's Happened Again! Disgraceful!

Given that the World Cup tournament held in South Africa was a masterclass in listless football, played out under the monotonous drone of brainless vuvuzela blowing, the current tournament in Brazil could be considered an unmitigated success (bar the numerous deaths to workers during construction of the stadia and of course the political and economic fall out of FIFA's mobile tax haven). There have been goals and talking points aplenty, numerous shock results and even the most uninspiring of fixtures have produced a spectacle e.g. South Korea 2 Algeria 4. A+.

But despite all this positivity there is a black cloud hanging over proceedings, born of eye-watering levels of stupidity. What's even more bewildering is this isn't the first time this disgusting act has been on show publically! 

You will all know what I'm referring to. The picture doubtless gives it away! 

Yes, the [hateful] Mexican Wave! 

(above: the world's living brain transplant donors)

People are paying divorce inciting amounts of money to fly to the other-side of the world and watch the planet's best players in action, only to get hideously bored two minutes in and attempt to entertain themselves by standing up and flinging their arms in the air. How can a grown human being find such an activity anything other than an irritating distraction from the on-field affairs!? How utterly moronic do you have to be to find standing up and sitting down at the same time as a cluster of other total air-heads either amusing or entertaining!? 

The Mexican Wave is the international symbol for boredom and possibly the biggest insult to the action unfolding in front of you. This natural tie to tedium is illustrated by the occasions in which the monstrosity can be routinely found: rain delay at Wimbledon, men's Olympic beach volleyball, anything involving Ed Milliband etc. Why then given the productivity and controversy played out during the World Cup thus far, and the colossal cost of attending the tournament, is the metachronal rhythm of the wave scarring my retina?

It is a stain on the otherwise excellent World Cup - admittedly progress from the vuvuzela - and disrespectful to the endeavors of the players. FIFA outlawed the vuvuzela and should take similar action against the neanderthals who persist with the Mexican Wave. In my opinion participation by anyone over 6 years of age should result in immediate expulsion from the terraces followed by removal of any rights to procreate - it is what Darwin would have wanted.

Let's make the wave history! (£1 rubber wristbands available at literally no good retailers)

@BobbyCowsill

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The 'If That Had Gone In' Premier League Awards 2014

Despite bundling on for two years bringing punters the least relevant information in the most long-winded and frustrating fashion, this is the inaugural 'If That Had Gone In' (ITHGI) annual awards! I know what you're thinking... "I wonder if a seal would make a good pet!?"  

Here at ITHGI we believe that from meagre beginnings institutions are formed, and having implemented this blind optimism, the Royal Albert Hall is booked for next year's presentations. Reginald D. Hunter is yet to confirm his invitation to host, spouting some drivel about the PFA awards, but Jim Davidson is a ready replacement. 

Without further ado... 

Worst Premier League Player 2014

There were plenty of candidates for this [soon-to-be] prestigious award, but one individual literally and metaphorically stood head and shoulders above the rest... 

...Congratulations, Marouane Fellani.

If you're going to play football in a bewilderingly incompetent manner, try and do it inconspicuously for goodness sake! Sprouting hair with a surface area comparable with the Eurasian tectonic plate and signing for one of the world's most high profile clubs is a 'no-no'... professional suicide one might say.

(above: Marouane Fellaini)

Fellaini's abject performances during the past season, coupled with the hap-hazard manner in which his transfer was conducted, have resulted in the Belgian international becoming a 'poster boy' for Manchester United's woes under the leadership of the now departed David Moyes.

In a full season with the 2012/2013 Premier League Champions Fellaini has mustered a credible nil goals, 2 yellow cards and a reputation for stray, unprovoked elbows. 

Things can only get better for the bay tree impersonator next term... unless of course, as his lack of innate ability suggests, they don't!

Asked how he felt about usurping the likes of Iago Aspas to the Worst Premier League Player 2014 Award, Fellaini donned a gormless expression and appeared to throw a further elbow.

Worst Premier League Team 2014

It's natural to look to the foot of the table for the worst Premiership outfit 2014, but on the whole all the relegated sides provided entertainment. After all, creating interest and generating a welcome distraction from the mundane trudge of everyday life is largely the point of sport!

(above: United fans breakdown
after the loveable Suarez
notches Liverpool's 3rd)

On a case-by-case basis, though Cardiff City and Fulham fans probably endured rather than enjoyed their last 12 months, each provided talking points and column inches. Furthermore, relegation dodgers Manchester United certainly provided amusement to many rival fans as their smug part-time supporters returned to more local interests; such as Sumo Wrestling.

The aforementioned teams may have delivered a worse performance than Paul McCartney at the London Olympic Opening Ceremony, but ultimately achieved a tolerable level of interest and thus must be excluded from this award.

It is therefore with great dishonour that I declare West Bromwich Albion as the most catastrophic Premier League organisation of the 2013/2014 season. 

Their appointment of Pepe Mel - qualified to manage on the grounds that his name sounds more exotic than Steve Clarke's - acting as the catalyst for the dullest 12 months since Gordon Brown left office. 

What exactly WBA's board members were thinking when they employed a man whose CV is less inspiring than the stains on a geriatric's handkerchief, strong alcohol only knows. I appreciate the skills and charisma that foreign managers and players can bring to the Premiership - see Henry and Mourinho - but why on earth appoint someone so bland and ultimately toothless? 

I have rambled on before about the tendency for the XI on the pitch to represent the man in the dugout, and, well, the Baggies certainly managed that! The West Midlands club producing lost, passionless performances bereft of philosophy and progression, born of a man who "didn't want to betray his style of football" - or lack thereof. 

Had West Brom had the common courtesy to get involved in a relegation dog fight and eventually sink into the Championship - a la Norwich City - I'd have largely forgiven their numb lifeless existence. But alas, no. 

They did fall back into 17th position but the sheer hopelessness of the 3 below them meant they were never really in any danger. Thankfully Premier League survival didn't rescue Mel, who departed on 13 May 2014.

As entertaining as Geordie Shore and as successful as the Jamaican bobsled team, West Bromwich Albion you were this season's worst team. Commiserations.

(*Disclaimer - Anelka's actions are unlikely to be a reflection of his manager's views)

Worst Manager

The aforementioned Pepe Mel was shortlisted for this award but as he was so hopeless from birth a significant portion of the blame must rest with Mr Garlick and his idiosyncratic decision to hire. Garlick thus exonerates the Spaniard.

The enormity of the task facing David Moyes post Sir Alex Ferguson brought the "Chosen One's" managerial world tumbling down withing 10 months - along with the Old Trafford based club as a whole. Taking a team of perennial champions and producing performances so limp Pfizer couldn't find a remedy is an underachievement of epic proportions. Had he not been so dignified throughout the campaign and worked so tirelessly to turn things round he'd have been a shoe in for this most crass and obnoxious of awards.

But the man that really embraced lunacy and self-destruction was Paulo Di Canio, and he's ITHGI's overwhelming choice. 

The Italian was described as many things during his tenure, including "flamboyant", "out-spoken" and "a breath of fresh air"... but I think the word they were all really looking for was "useless". I imagine the Sunderland player's post-watershed comments may hit the nail on the head.

An inept man-manager of Field Marshal Haig proportions, with a penchant for controversy, Paulo Di Canio is a media dream and a supporter nightmare. 

Allowed to sign a staggering 14 players during the summer of 2013, the former Lazio star's Sunderland outfit generously amassed 1 point from their first five games before Di Canio's services were dispensed of. 

Sunderland's subsequent upturn in fortune - culminating in a League Cup final and Premiership safety - is a further endorsement of the Italian's incompetence.

(Di Canio represents the first of our title winners unable to defend his title next term (or ever for that matter))  

Worst Owners

This category has been very hotly contested this year with unpalatable behaviour exuding from boardrooms the length and breadth of the country - imagine what life would be like without the FA's 'fit and proper persons test'! (well, exactly the same obviously...)

The ability for renowned and successful business people to make a total 'dog's dinner' of football club ownership never ceases to amaze me! On paper these individuals are astute and command respect, yet as soon as they get their hands on an English football team they turn into brainless egotists - often hell bent on undermining the very fabric of the city or town that they've stumbled into.

This year's candidates have spent money poorly (if at all), attempted to change the name of their purchase and appointed a plethora of hapless managers.

(above: Tan looking as
trustworthy as ever)

However only one man has torn the heart out of it's loyal supporters in the name of inevitable relegation. This individual not only looks like a villain from a James Bond film but he also behaves in the same self-serving and arrogant manner. This award winner believes that the appointment of staff with the number 8 in their birth date is lucky and that 'Bluebirds' are red... because that too is lucky.

Furthermore this individual sacked a very capable and well respected manager in Malky MacKay and replaced him with an affable rookie.

Cardiff City fans have been distanced from their long-standing club and humiliated by a man with absolutely no interest in the culture and society he has bought into. If you're going to erode the traditions and values of an entity make sure you buy Yaya Toure and Sergio Aguero for crying out loud! 

Vincent Tan, you've shown disrespect to the people of Cardiff and displayed a staggering level of cluelessness. You're ITHGI's Worst Owner 2014. 

Life-Time [Lack of] Achievement Award

This year one man above all others deserves to be rewarded for his dedication to the cause over a career spanning 16 years...

Arise Steven Gerrard.  

The 34 year old colossus from Whiston has been a leader of men for an incredible 33 years and 10 months of his life - right up to the moment the reds reached the pinnacle of English football.

"We do not let this f**king slip" he proclaimed with a delusional sense of grandeur the likes of which hasn't been seen since Alex Salmond last spoke. Roughly translated from sweary Scouse, Gerrard was saying "this is my big chance to reach Luke Chadwick's Premier League haul, you useless bunch better not scupper it for me".

Sadly for the Liverpool talisman some Ade Akinbiyi-esque control followed by the inability to panic and run simultaneously, presented Demba Ba with an unchallenged route to goal. The rest will become history once the video completes its 539th lap of my Twitter feed.

Having singlehandedly carried an ailing Liverpool for over a decade - collecting a copy of almost every medal on route - Steven Gerrard has literally and figuratively let the Merseyside club's opportunity to win their 19th English title slip - it's a cruel sport. 

The Liverpool captain also picks up this season's 'ITHGI' Irony Award.

@BobbyCowsill

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